Recently, I purchased several stickers to put on my Nalgene water bottle. It felt very angsty-teenager-vibes but I wanted to personalize something in my life and that seemed the easiest way to do it without too many questions or looks from strangers. I browsed the bottomless pit of Etsy creations and found several I liked and instantly wished I had a bigger water bottle because I had no idea the expansive sticker community that exists in the online world. It’s a thing.
I settled on a few I resonated with including one with a favorite quote by Elyse Meyer, TikTok influencer extraordinaire, and country flags from every country I’ve visited and/or lived in. But one in particular is relevant to this post (I know you were wondering) and it’s a quote from Michael Scott of “The Office”. It reads:
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little ‘stitious.”
And that, in a nutshell, is why I haven’t prayed.
For the longest time—years in fact—it felt like whatever I prayed, the literal opposite thing would happen. Whether it was a desperate plea for the weather to hold out for an occasion or something more serious like someone’s health or well-being, I swear no longer had the words of silent supplications left my mind than the opposite would happen. I suppose eventually my heart began to callus.
The mayoclinic.org states that “calluses are caused by friction and pressure from repeated actions”.
It stands to reason that the repeated action of disappointment, trauma, loss, and heartache would lead to a callused heart, no?
Over time, I became more than a little ‘stitious and decided to take my chances with not praying at all.
Besides, if we’re going with the mayoclinic.org’s definition of what a callus is, we should defer to their ‘treatment’ as well which clearly states “avoiding the repetitive actions that caused them to form” is a valid means by which to do away with them.
Done.
I guess the conundrum is, however, that the mayoclinic.org is specifically referencing calluses on the feet, which are anatomically very different than our hearts so maybe that’s why I’m not seeing the desired results, namely for the calluses to go away and my prayer life restored like a foot finally free from its too-tight-footwear.
I’ve heard the “appropriate” responses for this, namely that we don’t pray for “answers” but rather to grow closer to God. Blame it on the calluses, but that still rubs me the wrong way. I don’t mean to imply that God is a genie in a bottle of some sort that should be readily available to grant our wishes. But it seems like he does mention with enough frequency in writing that we should not only ask, but also expect a response, oftentimes an affirmative one (though I don’t kid myself to think always an affirmative one).
I don’t share these things to tell you that I figured it out and now I pray all the time. Quite the contrary. I share these things to say the very thing I already said: I haven’t prayed in a while.
Maybe you haven’t either, so this is just me letting you know that you aren’t alone in this confusing journey of trying to follow a God you can’t see in a world full of mystery.
I don’t think he’s the least bit upset with me about this. If I did, I don’t suppose I’d be making the effort to even share this. I think he’s right where he’s always been and eventually we’ll be on speaking terms again. For now, I’m only being still and listening.
He says to do that, too.